JUST ME AGAINST THE WORLD

When your main vocation is a farm wife one ends up doing things dangerous and unheard of out there in the normal realm of things. I have often asked hubby, "you want me to do WHAT?????" I have driven farm equipment I've had no business motoring around the ponderosa and held up the manure covered tails of young bulls so they could lose their manhood. Get the picture? Yep, this gal has earned the title of being one hundred per-cent farm wife.

I passed the kitchen window this afternoon to spot two very large Angus bulls in the bottom pasture where they do not belong. Of course hubby is on the lake with UGLY (the ugliest boat in the world) today so I decide to handle the problem alone. This would not generally bother me except the youngest of the two freight liners has the personality of an angry badger. He can throw that head up and put everyone over a fence faster than a kangaroo with it's tail on fire. The older one is enormous yet easier going although I have seen him toss one of those ton hay bales in the air over his head as easy as if it were a marshmallow.

I had to quickly devise a plan that would leave me alive and on my feet. I do not own one of those, "help I've fallen but I can't get up ," things. I put the cows in the pasture freeing the working pen and opened those gates thinking they're guys they will go where they can be closer to the gals. Good plan, right? I then ran down the road to open the gate from the bottom then raced to the house so they could not plot to mow me down. I peered out the living room window as the two beefcakes walked down to road into the drive and in the gates opened for them. Wow, am I good or what? I then trotted out my back door and closed the gate on the somewhat unhappy stud-muffins. Cattle tend to freak when they realize they have been captured. Kinda' like a man when the word marriage is mentioned. Now the problem is , how do I open the gates and not be the brunt of aggression of these two unhappy campers? They would not move away from the gate that supplied them freedom to the ladies. I swallowed my fear, unchained the gates and swung them open throwing myself up and over the working pen as I watched the two strut their stuff for the ladies.

I was pretty pleased with myself. Things on a farm seldom go as planned. Did I mention I practiced praying without ceasing from start to finish? Walking back to the house I was thinking it is never just me against the world. Hey, it is me and God against the world and with God I can do anything. Look out world!

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS

Rainy days and Mondays may get you down but not this wacky farm chick. My grass is green lush and deep enough to lose my youngest grandchild, the weeds are growing faster than a speeding locomotive, I have not spread my weed and feed or treated the acre of flower gardens for grubs or ticks this spring. Everything needs mulched. I wasted three beautiful summer like days last week. The first wasted day was spent going to the dentist. A much dreaded task for me. I would prefer any of the above chores rather than kick'in back in the ole dental chair. The second day was spent in the city for my MIL's two hour eye appointment and the third wasted day was spent with my head shoved into the ice cave. (defrosting my freezer... butchered a beef) But a rainy day for me is spent catching up my reading, going through catalogs and entering those online contest that I've piled up next to my computer. Today I ordered yet another rose bush (can't help myself..OCFD..obsessive compulsive flower disorder) and a special rose fertilizer to feed my menagerie of roses. I picked out some lavender plants to replace those I lost through the winter. Yes, I try to use my rainy days to catch up on those things I tend to push aside as the weather warms.

As I was clipping coupons this afternoon something caught my attention out the window. A dozen brilliant flame-orange and black Baltimore Orioles landed in my back yard. Their rich, piping whistled notes were singing praises of thanks for the oranges and grape jelly I have been putting out in the anticipation of the arrival of these beauties. These birds are defiantly the real clowns of their species. They made me laugh as they slid side-ways down feeder poles, hung upside down on the feeders and tried their best to drink from the hummingbird feeder using every acrobatic movement they have acquired . A real three ring circus bonanza was portrayed contributing a bright ray of sunshine on my otherwise rainy Monday.

WAKE UP MAGGIE

Spring is finally knocking on Mother Earths door with all the signs and signals I look forward to. The bluebirds have chosen their favored real estate and set up housekeeping. The very enjoyable acrobats of the air appeared at my hummingbird feeder last week. Yesterday I spotted a Monarch butterfly on a brilliant yellow dandelion blowing in the wind. Peepers (little froggies) are filling the nights darkness with their active shrill voices. The flora and fauna are bursting forth producing green hues and wonderful colored flowers. I LOVE this time of year!!! It's like I have hibernated all winter and I am coming out of my cozy cocoon into this beautiful new world.

One thing I anticipate seeing with great excitement is Maggie. Maggie is an entertaining comical mockingbird who befriended me several years ago. She follows me around the yard as I dig, pull and pluck my way through my many flower gardens. She can mimic our cats meow and has the squeak of my wheelbarrow down to a fine art. Maggie's best show is the song and dance routine she performs to the oldies atop the transformer as I swim every afternoon. I am a creature of habit and go out to the pool around the same time everyday . If I am late I can always count on Maggie to beckon me with her repertoire until I show up. You might be saying this farm chick spends way too much time alone but I really enjoy this bird.

This is the time of year I begin to worry about this favored mockingbird. I'm usually not one to worry but my mind begins to ponder upon the many things that could happen to old Mag during our long hard winter. Ya know things like Maggie becoming part of the food chain or buried in the snow. So as I break forth the lawnmower, potting soil and annuals I will keep one eye roving in search of Maggie the mockingbird.

THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED TO SEE SUCH A SIGHT

Several years ago we build a Fort Knox corral to capture and work our cattle without needing to hire a village to do so. Everything was set in concrete as tight as Japanese handcuffs. The panels are heavy metal that rise six foot tall and are welded together. The gates are made of these hefty panels also welded to the corner posts. We have a working tub and a head gate that would amuse Henry the Eighth. Even Houdini could not escape this corral. The prison was structured to hold a wild and crazy bunch of cattle that were born on the ole Ponderosa. Obviously the neighbors visiting cattle did not realize this.

Wednesday I received a call from my MIL stating we had cattle out and were headed toward our house. She got in her car and followed them until they entered the pen I had opened for them. Instantly I knew these cattle did not belong on this Ponderosa. They did not portray the actions of being home or any sense of those warm fuzzy feelings you get as you enter the comforts of your own house. Thinking it would be easy to gather and load these unhappy critters rather than someone chasing them over acres of hills and hollors we locked them in our corral. Big mistake!!! If I had only known what I know now I would had trafficked these demon possessed bovine down the road and left the blessing of a good deed to someone else.

Hubby arrived home from work and decided we would load said neighbors cattle and haul them back home. We gathered our cattle to capture two large calves that had previously ran through the fence. We had what we needed and proceeded to sort animals. Nothing about this was a good idea. I've seen flying monkeys from Oz, Underdog flying the sky to save the world and even flying cows in Twister but they had nothing on our neighbors flying cows. These wild eyed nosed flaring creatures would back up and run with the force of a Mack truck trying to turn us into road kill. Hubby did a triple lutz backward over the corral. I would climb over the panel while Hubby was yelling, "don't let 'em get you!" Believe me, that was my main goal in life at that moment. They would bang into the panel protecting me bloodying their noses and look me square in the eye and do it again. Then with the grace of a flying Lipizzaner this 1100lb animal flew over a six foot panel. Now two different cows did this not once but two different times. The last time jumping in with our cattle again. After three hours of fun, three destroyed gates and some cattle panels bent in half Hubby loaded what was left and delivered them to the neighbors farm.

The following day the visiting critters were no where to be found. Yes, (picure me doing the happy dance), they must have flown over our fence to challenge someone else. Beware out there Hey Diddle-Diddle ' cause these devil crazed wild eyed cattle really can jump over the moon!

U.G.L.Y.

There are different degrees of ugly. The dictionary defines ugly as unpleasant to look at. There's putrid ugly, dog awful ugly or abhorrently ugly. Yet, I am having great difficultly finding the adjective to create a image of the depths of ugliness I am trying to describe.

Hubby just wants to go fishing. He has about a two month window to fish for the type of fish he most enjoys catching and Loan Shark (bass boat with OB motor) is awaiting a rebuild. So a week ago after church we took off to look at the boat Hubby found on Craig's List. It was 90 miles away and a nice sunny Sunday Ozarks afternoon drive. Hubby had obviously seen pictures of this thing because I did not see the horror in his face that I felt succumb mine. I did hear him mumble something like, "well it is kind'a ugly," as we turned in the drive of the boats owner. Now don't get me wrong, the boat is an older Bonanza model that is in immaculate condition but indescribably ugly it is. It has to do with the stomach churning infants dirty diaper yellow color all over and get this EVERYTHING MATCHES !!!!!!

My heart sank as the deal was made and the boat was latched to be back of our pick-up knowing that we had 90 miles to pull that thing before we arrived home. I tried to make myself invisible not noticing the people pointing, laughing and holding up cell phones. You could just hear their jeers and comments like," Mabel , ya won't believe what I am looking at right now!" Yep, I was really trying to ignore my surroundings when hubby proudly announces , "Hey, we are drawing attention!" I just slumped further down in my seat and pretended not to notice.

Today Ugly makes her maiden voyage. Hubby is taking a friend to the lake who is not sporting a disguise. It must be a man thing because when you see me on the lake I will be the incognito chick with make-up on under her Groucho glasses , mustache and cap catching the biggest fish in the ugliest boat.

HOT BLOODED

I'm hot blooded and feelin' so blue
My bones are achen' fevers 102
I cannot swallow and my head is a throbbin'
Until I'm better I won't be a bloggin'

This is one nasty bug that has had me down all week. It's bad enough that deep clean Friday is NOT going to happen today. I'll catch up when I get to feeling better. You all stay healthy out there!!

GROWING OLD

I have accepted a towheaded 3.5 year old boy into our Children's Church upon Grandmas request. She wants the little guy to receive instruction on the word instead of playing in the nursery. My guidelines are K-6 but this little fella sits well so we included him into our little group.

He was going to sit up front with us on this glorious communion Sunday during song service. I asked Grandma if she wanted him to partake with the group and she replied with the expected answer of," NO!" We proceeded our song service followed by communion. As the sacraments were passed out, the little gent did not understand what was going on and why he wasn't getting a snack. I continued to explain why we have communion and what the sacraments represent. Grandma just wanted him to be OLDER before he participated. Seeing his confusion one of my 6 year olds leaned forward and very eloquently explained the whole scenario again to the bewildered child on a level that made my heart swell with pride.

I could see the little fella' pondering and processing all the information we stuffed into his little brain. Then gazing up with his big bright blues, he elbows me and says in a voice that lets me know he has figured this whole communion thing out.... "SO, THAT STUFF MAKES YOU OLD, HUH???" ......and a child shall lead us. LOL!!!

JUNKYARD DOG

I have some catching up to do. I had this silly vision when the children were raised and we became empty nesters I would have an abundant amount of time on my hands. Sooo not true! I spent the first of last week taking my MIL for eye surgery and the last of the week taking care of my perfect and very intelligent grandchildren. ( Yes, they really are gifted.) Of course deep clean Friday had to be moved to the middle of the week. My type-A personality would not allow me skip that. Due to my full week and the absence of blogging, I will begin where this chapter needs to start to give the story the information it deserves because it takes a real ugly turn later on.

The update on the bass boats outboard motor is an ongoing matter. I understand why they call a boat a she. She has to be pampered and stroked just right or she will not perform, the maintenance is very high as I am finding out on myself as I age, especially from the neck up, and she is just a very fickle creature. ' This sounding familiar girls? At this point I am simply calling her LOAN SHARK. Hubby has replaced the water pump, had the starter rebuilt, taken the motor apart and cleaned her up and still she would not preform. He said she was not getting the water she needed so he hooked up the hose and ran it backwards through her inners and water blew from her carburetor like a pregnant woman with morning sickness. By the horrified look on hubby's face I knew that this was not a good thing and probably more expensive than this farmer could handle here at planting season.

Wednesday evening as we were eating the tacos hubby had hinted for, (" Ya' know ya used to make those really good tacos, the ones with the hard shells..."), my very optimistic positive hubby would gaze out the dinning room window where he could set sight on Loan Shark and growled. I was shocked!!! This man has an attitude of , "It'll beee- allrrright," no matter what comes his way and he is growling every few seconds at this boat like a junkyard dog. I think I realized how bad it really was when he was on Craig's list checking out other boats that evening. Somehow I don't think this is going to be alright. G-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS AND SNAKES

If anyone questions the existence of God, all one has to do is open his eyes on a spring day. Yes, I awoke Friday on vernal equinox to a beautiful morning in the Ozarks. (You CAN actually stand an egg on end during equinox.) I watched as a pair of deeply colored bluebirds were busy gathering furnishings for a home in the birdhouse just beyond my bedroom window. As I continued my deep clean Friday, I gazed through the sunbeams streaming through the living room window to the ornamental pear tree adorned with flowers like a fluffy mound of cotton candy. The earths canvas is coming to life. Only God can paint the earth with all this glory, I call it spring.

Last night I heard peepers singing their melodies from the pond. The reptiles are awakening to life after a long hard winter. This morning as I was restocking the woodpile, (hence forecast, cold front...hinting for snow, burrrr...), I lifted a log that had a snake snuggled beneath it. Now granted, it was a tiny snake that looked just like a copperhead. I have been told that baby blacksnakes look just like the dreaded copperhead and how beneficial it is to have blacksnakes on a farm but I believe ALL snakes are evil. Yep, the only good snake in my world is a dead snake. I whacked that little devils brains with the wood in my hand the proceeded to stomp it with my husbands manure stompin' boots until the thing lay lifeless. Feeling all the while that I had just defeated Satan because I don't like spiders or snakes. Welcome Spring!!!

MICKEY ON STEROIDS

Mickey has been running laps around the ceiling of our family room despite my efforts to deliver him a lethal dose of poison. I have really exhausted my creativity in concocting various potions.(check blog Mickey Thrives below) He is defiantly packin' on the pounds dining on the gourmet delicacies I have served up. He now sounds like Bigfoot dancing to the rhythm of the birds chirping outside my window.

This morning around 2:30am a horrific noise made me sit straight up in bed. I will emphasise the word HORRIFIC. It even woke hubby who sleeps through hail storms and tornadoes. The monster was running, gnawing ,turning somersaults and back flips in our duct work. A real acrobat that Mickey. Hubby turned on the oldies to scare the monster away. Mickey likes music, he just found the beat to go with his routine. I spent the morning making sure every vent was tight and had sufficient poison under it. I walked around the exterior of the house checking for crawl holes and tunnel unders. I found none of the above.

Tonight I will retire hoping for a good nights shut-eye. Hubby has a plan of using the boats blow horn to drive Mickey out of Ireland. That sounds restful. Have you ever heard those things? They are loud enough to resurrect the dead. So, an evenings rest full of sweet dreams with lions and tigers and Mickey........I don't think so!!!!

MACHO-MACHO MAN

When our children were very young we bought the first of many donkeys for the old ponderosa. Their main vocation is to protect the cattle from coyotes and other unwanted critters. Chocolate Drop, who we lovingly call Chalky, is one unique creature! He has been known to do many unbelievable things such as picking the lock on a barn and opening an old deep freezer containing sacks of feed to enjoy a snack. Chalky loves eating more than anything else. I could easily fill a book on the antics of this creature.

Deep clean Friday as I was pouring myself into many cleaning tasks around the homestead,( I am happiest when I have a half of dozen things going on at once), a commotion attracted my attention coming from the weaning pen where we had allowed Chalky to reside temporarily. It just was easier to let him in than trying to keep him out of the calves we were feeding. Did I mention he loves to eat? Chalky was running around the corral biting this poor heifer (teenage female calf) on the neck. This is a courting ritual that is custom in the donkey dating system. They ran around the pen chased by all the other weaned calves like kids chasing a ball on a soccer field. Soon the mothers of these teens surrounded the pen as if to be cheering them on vocalizing with their loud bellows. I watched as Chalky mounted this poor defenceless girl as if he were the studly steed he thought he was. Trying to make this something of a natural phenomena , I assumed the poor girl was in heat and Chalky was just doi'n what comes naturally. I let my mind wander. Would this new creation be called a doncow or a cowkey??? Knowing this could never happen, I enjoyed letting my imagination play with what a child from these two would look like. Oh, what fun I was having with the pictures in my mind! It really does not take much to entertain me.

I shared what I what I had observed with my hubby on his arrival from work when he informed me the sweet young thing I was calling a heifer was indeed a steer (male calf who has lost his manhood). Ewwwwww! Yep, this blond farm chick did not check out the plummin'. I explained my thoughts on this matter and hubby said it was a male dominance thing. That boys will be boys and Chalky would be banned from the feeding pen he loves so well due to his actions. Today this Macho Man just stands at the gates mourning the loss of his feed buffet just awaiting a chance to charm his way back in. Knowing this donkey, he will do just that.