BABY I'M A WANT YOU

Heartstrings tugging to the depths of my irradissant tiny coral toenails. That faraway yearning look in my big brown batty eyes. My achy arms craving soft pure squishy rolls of skin cradled within them. Hearing the forlorn longing noted in my deep sexy voice. ( OK, so I'm stretching it a bit here with the deep sexy voice thing but a girl can dream can't she?) These are the things Hubby picks up on when he realizes that I am experiencing Grandmother withdrawal symptoms again. He knows this farm chick all too well. Reading me like a book he asked if I would like to make the trip to see baby Ian sometime during the weekend for a grandma fix. Well duh......that's a no-brainer!

It had been a very long four weeks since I had kissed those well fed pudgy cheeks and planted one of my very special grandma kisses on them. In baby years that is like....HALF of his little life!!! I was so afraid he would not remember me, my smell and my voice. I feared Ian would take one look at me and scream like he had been visited by the boogie man. I anticipated reacquainting myself having another meet and greet session with the little lad.

Much to my delight as soon as I picked the brilliant baby boy up he rolled his eyes to one side as if he were pulling my voice from his memory catalog then looked me straight in the eye flashing a big full face smile. I melted right on the spot. But wait! He didn't stop there! He cooed, babbled and grinned some more telling me in his baby dialect how very excited he was to see us. He did exactly the same thing with Gramps. After getting my fix and kissing that sweet round face we began the trip home. Even though I am not able visit every time I get an urge I want him to know how special he is and that "Baby I'm A Want You!"

UNDERDOG

A brave guard dog who always displays protective courage. One who charges at danger with the speed of lighting and roar of thunder. A fighting canine who will chase away those who rob and plunder. A dog who makes any frail farm chick feel warm and all fuzzily safe just known' her trusty companion is near. These traits may describe Underdog but Tiger the Wonder Dog....... they are NOT!

Several years ago shortly after our beloved Scampy passed of old age a tiny stray showed up timidly cowering under the cottage gardens' walkway. I wanted to find another home for this scraggly hungry pup and pick out a 'real' dog but Hubby had other ideas. I can still hear his words, "ya need a dog for protection when I am out on the truck." Yes, I had to agree. I spent much time alone with me, myself and I. We enjoyed each others company while Hubby was away. I did need a good aggressive watch dog. Hubby went on to state what a good cow dog this puppy would make. I was used to Scampy who would stand between me and the stranger who stopped by. Scampy who always barked when someone drove in or walked toward my door. Scampy who we could judge our daughters young courtiers by. She had bit through cowboy boots and even chewed at the tires of their pick-up trucks if she didn't trust the young gents with our sweet girl. Oh, that dog was a marvelous judge of character! Scampy often singed her mouth and fur saving us from our blazing fireworks by grabbing the lit explosive and running through the field with it to prevent her family from harm. Finally, I surrendered naming the little stray Tiger in hopes he would live up to his boldly ferocious name.

Tiger grew up morphing into a fine looking dog. He looks very strong and mighty. He looks like he would be the territorial protector of his home and family. Well folks, let me tell ya...looks could not be more deceiving. It's quite embarrassing to admit how very wimpy this dog is. Tiger is not a cow dog, so not a worker of the cattle. In fact he chases them along with cars. He rarely barks when we have someone come but we can always count on him barking as they leave. If a stray dog visits you can find Tiger shaking like a paint mixer under the car watching the visitor devour his kibbles. Wildlife in our yard is not chased away by our brave pup as he chooses to let them dine also. We have everything from armadillos to cougars and bears 'round these parts. In the mix of all these critters trembles Tiger the Wonder Dog.

I must brag a little. May I? I'm throwing out my chest poppin' my buttons here. Enjoy this, bragging rarely happens when it comes to my beloved pet. There was one time last summer when I was going to burn trash Tiger showed his one and only burst of boldness. As I opened the gate to walk to the trash barrel, Tiger bolted by me with mighty speed almost knocking this chick off her feet. He boldly streaked past me around the barrel gabbing a raccoon who was obviously ill by the neck carrying it away from me. Tiger made sure the 'coon was demised before he returned for praise and a pat on the head. The sick raccoon probably was rabid. Uncharacteristically he saved me that warm summer day. One bout of bravery our Tiger the Wonder Dog has on his resume but no one will ever mistake him for the fearless "Underdog!"

HELLO DOLLY

I'm encouraging Hubby to develop a relationship with her. She is strong, so much stronger than this farm chick who finds herself yelling 'testosterone' at the top of her lungs when trying to muster up enough strength to do something I probably have no business attempting. Dolly is long and lean with firm legs strong and steel like. She can lift many times her weight. I've begged Hubby to take her out for a spin 'cause she can waltz across the dance floor like she's floating on air. What red blooded man would not love spending time with Dolly? Yet he resists strongly, beg as I may.

Today is my favorite day of the week. The day I get to snoop out every dust bunny. The day I disassemble the faucets and wash out those germy filter screens. Do ya'll realize how much moldy bacteria and fungi gather in those things? The day I clean the furnace filter, bathtub jets and yes I even disinfect our toothbrushes. I live for Deep Clean Friday delighting every moment of it. I would rather vacuum than shop. Nothing makes me quite as ecstatic as to sit back in the knowledge everything is in spotless order.

Hubby will be working very diligently at his job. He is strong,a very robust strong fella'. Of course he has the advantage of testosterone oozing out his pores allowing bulk and power. When he runs the dairy supply routes he carries twenty-five, fifty, hundred pound barrels of supplies that are used during and after the milking process. His daddy said once before he joined the angel band ,"man, the boy is strong as an ox." The strength is still there but let's face it folks, the man ain't twenty anymore. ( Shhhh, don't tell him , we'll just let him live in La-La Land a little longer.) Hubby's joints are 57 years old, they can forecast a storm front faster than Doppler radar. The elbows, shoulders and neck ache after a day of lifting. I beg him to use a dolly. What's the harm in a little assistance?

As I bask in the glory of a spotless Ponderosa home tonight, Hubby will come in tired sporting aches and pains. Again, I will push this relationship upon him suggesting that he simply say, "Hello Dolly!"

IT"S MY PARTY

It was a warm September Saturday back in 1952 a time when the weekly trip to town was a social event. The gents would gather at the local feed store, filling station or barber shop to cut the fat as the women sold the weeks production of eggs to purchase staples for the home. The egg sales would cover groceries, cleaning supplies and leave enough moola to indulge ones-self in material for a new ensemble and craved treat. A treat such a pound of hot roasted peanuts sending out their enticing aroma from the local Ben Franklin Store. Oh, those goober peas were calling Mama that day so she left the store nine months pregnant with a pound of peanuts in hand.

Daddy had some business to take care of on the way back to the farm which left Mama in the car with a intoxicating bag of peanuts. As ya'll know men can actually out chat women any day of the week taking longer than football minutes. Mama enjoyed her pound of peanuts and a good read in the local paper as she waited for Daddy to finish his business. Soon after arriving home the tummy cramps and hiccups began and progressively got worse. "Oh, if I could only go the the bathroom."she uttered over and over again. "Eating all those peanuts constipated me and I'll be fine as soon as I go to the bathroom," she called from the outhouse. Out of sheer panic and desperation Daddy fetched Granny from a nearby farm. It didn't take long for Granny to recognize that Mama was in the full throttles labor and ordered them to the nearest hospital 'cause Mamas hiccups and 'cramps' weren't getting any better.

Fourteen hours of labor and hiccups at 6:00 am a 6lb.2oz, 22 inch long baby girl with the lungs of an opera singer was born. The nurses kicked me out of the nursery strait to my mothers arms because I was disturbing not only the other babes but the hospital staff. The labor Mama has forgiven me for but she will never, never let me live down the fourteen hours of hiccups she endured during the process. The first words Daddy spoke as he looked at his perfectly sweet precious baby daughter was "well, would ya lookey there she's a real farmer....she's already milkin' and spreadin' manure!" For many years Daddy called me his "Little Peanut" in honor of the peanutty snack and the hiccups. Born a farm chick this day fifty-seven years ago I could choose to cry if I wanted to but I choose to be happy and dance the dance of joy because.... "It's My Party!!!"

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

UGH! Sulfuric acid propelled from glands using strong muscle tissue that spew oily fine yellow droplets up to fifteen feet with a musk odor that lingers for days. Gagging and gasping for breath, the penetrating stench can cause temporary blindness and nausea creating a fragrance so undesirable that even the La'Pews cannot bear it. The predatordeterrent substance is next to impossible to wash off. In a nutshell it STINKS....STINKS with strength and passion.

Did ya'll know there are four different varieties of skunk? The spotted and striped polecats live everywhere in the United States. The hooded and hog-nosed skunks prefer a sunny warm vacation type climate found in Arizona, Texas and New Mexico. The Ponderosa is blessed with the stripped varmints who have litters in May and June consisting of 3-10 kittens. Did your catch that? I repeat, there could be a family of twelve scent bombs thriving under my not so mulberry essence flavored home. As you know from previous posts, we are desperate people and desperate measures must be taken.

I believe I said this farm chick was not stupid or adventurous enough to set a live trap. Ya know how 'they' always say never say never or you will eat your words. Well grab me up a fork and spoon 'cause I'm chewin' on those words now! We sat an older live trap with a L-o-N-g rope tied to it and night one had a big old mama size stinker caught by 11:00pm. Hubby ran out in lounge shorts, boots with shotgun and mag-light in hand. As he was dragging the critter away from the house the trap turned over and let she-skunk go. I heard shots but have you ever tried to shoot a speeding skunk in the dark? Plan spoiled as the plot thickens.

Next evening Hubby brought a costly new fangled foolproof live trap. By bedtime we had a famished teenage female trapped. Grabbing the 22 Hubby got the shot this round but not without shootin' a small hole in our costly new fangled foolproof trap. Heaven knows we don't want to shoot our new prized possession full of holes so a new plan is formed. Saturday morning before a family wedding we had another teen captured where the new and improved plan was implemented. Drag jailed La'Pew away from the house and cover the cage with a tarp so it can be picked up for the baptismal. Hubby carried the tarp covering himself to shield his hunky bod from anything the skunk may want to share.(Oh, please dear God let me go to this wedding smelling like Cinnabar) It was a pure guessing game for Hubby when dropping the tarp in just the right spot to cover the cage. He loaded the prize up and off to the pond they went. Hubby ordained himself and baptized the stinkin' sinner. At present time the score is Ponderosa 3.....La'Pews.....???

This chick is ready for this saga in her life to end. Did ya realize they use the pelts of skunks to make fur coats? Yep, they call 'em Alaskan Sables. We have to make sure all our tenants are eradicated before sealing the hole they have dug under the trap door but if you spot a temporary blind Ozarks farm chick gulping Pepto-Bismol showing off her new fancy Alaskan Sable you'll know, "Another One Bites the Dust!"

I WILL FIND YOU

Where's Hubby......can you find him???

What a blessed morning I have experienced on the Ponderosa. Arising at dark-thirty a.m. to meet the dust bunnies and lime scale this cleanin' crazed farm chick donned the rubber gloves raring to beat the dirt this excitedly anticipated Deep Clean Friday. I know, I know, "cleanliness is next to godliness," is not found in the Good Book but it should be! The house is clean enough for the Almighty himself to eat off the floor. Not that I would every toss a meal on the floor along with a fork and tell ANYONE to go for it. The throne is sparkling enough for royalty to relax and sit a spell. I admit I need help. I look at my vac the way most women look at the beefcakes on some hunky fireman calendar. Clean makes me happy, I thrive on order. I need to know everything is in its place. But where in Gods green earth is my hubby?

A year ago when we didn't know beans about beans we planted half the bottom land in soybeans. Native to East Asia 5,000 years ago they used the beans as a major food source. According to Ancient Chinese history, in 2853BC the Emperor Shennog proclaimed soybeans were sacred. An excellent protein source, these familiar legumes have been grown for thousands of years as food for millions around the earth sporting many health benefits such as reducing cholesterol due to being high in phytoestrogens which also help menopausal women. FLASH....we 'hot' chicks need all the help we can get. Soybeans have also been used as a feed ingredient for our livestock industry. The complex structure of the plant provides building blocks allowing the production of hundreds of products that ya'll probably never thought might be made of the little green bean.

Things ya use every bloomin' day are made from the greater bean. Take a bath? Oh please let me hear your answering "YES". You have beans in your bath soap, shampoo, hair conditioner, hand cleaners and the candle you are burning by your relaxing bubble bath. Do laundry? Again I prayin' I'm hearing those affirmations out there. We all know mama told you,"we don't put dirty duds on a clean body." You are using beans to pretreat, wash and soften your laundry. Have furniture? Sure hope your not decoratin' with egg crates and pallets to embellish your French Chicken coop style. Yep, tables, chairs and all sorts of furniture are made of beans even the wax and cleaners to keep it beautiful....beans. Everywhere we turn from that box of crayons to fuel additives have been invaded by soybeans. But wait, have ya'll forgotten about Hubby???

He is the first blind date I every went on. That date that has lasted more than 38 years and the sparks are still flyin'. The hardest working man I have ever seen holds a job off the Ponderosa so we can afford to love the land. A job that consists of a liquid feed salesman, dairy truck route, semi-truck grain driver or anything else the boss-man may ask of him. 'Very multi talented this one is. He's the farm boy I still have moon eyes for and still get tingly when he takes my hand. The one I said yes to for this journey we call life. Where's Hubby??? Answer:In this years soybean field. He is the man OUT STANDING in his field! If I really could not find him as Clanned sang in 2004 in the movie "Last of the Mohicans", no matter where you go, I will find you. If it takes a thousand years, I WILL FIND YOU!!!